why don't we do it [in the road]

there's just so much weight on my shoulders. Its curving my spine, and its throwing my neck out of whack. I'm slouching, my posture is ruined. My chair is uncomfortable, and my disposition is not sunny. I am a failure, and I have let you all down. I am withdrawn, gaunt, and malnourished. I am reticent and bailing wire. bandages and gazing merely four yards takes me away from my own consciousness and into yours. I see my reflection of you, bouncing back from your eyes, my eyes, and that man's aviator sunglasses. though I perceive yesterday, I am reluctant to persuade today to invigorate the spring flowers. It is a camel through the eye of the needle. "It is a scab and a carbunkle". The world is a dog wagging its tail, says Liebhaber.

always says, never elucidates; elaborates, and regurgitates. Happy, let bygones be gone, and yearn for the yet unblemished kernel of truth in a popped corn of faulty lines, and repressed communications.

The earth turns quickly, or we fall off.

This is [fucked up]

A Catch-22, coined by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22, is a logical paradox wherein an individual finds him or herself in need of something which can only be had by not being in need of it. It is often spoken in regards to rules, regulations, procedures, or situations in which one has knowledge of being or becoming a victim but has no control over it occurring.

Now, moving on to "real" life. So much stuff has happened recently, its hard to keep it all straight, so I'LL DO A LIST!

1: I didn't get the newspaper job

2. I got a bonus of like $290 from work

3. One of the classes I REALLY wanted to get into is closed already.

4. the new apartment is finalized, and all that's left to do is a Damage Walkthrough, and the keys are mine!

5. Essays are kicking my ass again (see previous post about Nothingness/Language)

6. I'm losing a losing battle.

7. Logic is kicking my ass, still.

8. I'm reduced to eating soup, peanut butter, and chocolate milk/sauce.

the gap tells us more than does the bridge

Currently doing research for my essay on Kroetsch's What The Crow Said, and i'm mainly focusing on language/negation/nothingness. Which is a rather large topic, as I am finding out. For some reason, I find that I am particularly perceptible to losing my grasp of reality when I'm confronted by concepts such as these. The entirety of Language is being Deconstructed, destabilized as I read, and I find this discomforting. Quotes such as "knowledge of the world, of others and of self is determined by language. language is the precondition for the act of becoming aware of oneself as a distinct entity. it is the I-Thou dialectic, defining subjects by their mutual opposition, which founds subjectivity." This sort of statement places the entire weight of existence onto language, then later, the author takes it all away: "language is something I am made out of, rather than a convenient tool I use, the whole idea that i am a stable, unified entity must also be a fiction". I slowly lose my grip on... myself (to misquote american pie). Nietzcsche nicely put the whole thought process:

"if we say we are trapped in language and its concepts, that claim is in itself, of course, a part of language. we wish to explain that 'trappedness' but we are unable to do so other than with the very concepts which trap us. the original thought, therefore, eludes us, for if we could express it, we would, after all, not be trapped."

wraps it all up nicely into a box of Catch-22, does he not?

its unsettling. and i am existentially exhausted because of it. I feel myself grow thin and hazy, flickering between absence and presence, meaning and non meaning.

I think, therefore I am unsure.

-jr

think and drive

Yaaaay! Interview is over! I thought it went pretty well, I will have an answer by Friday, I've been told -this is the first time someone actually follows through on their timelines. AND I WON A COFFEE! yay roll-up the rim to ween.

In other news, BLARHGHGAIEFIAHSEGAHSrgwoaijagwfoiawegja!

i thought so.

-jr

Emotions in motion

Five Books Everyone Should Read Before They Die:

1. What the Crow Said - Robert Kroetsch

2. Green Grass, Running Water - Thomas King

3. And the Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks - Jack Kerouac and William S. Burroughs

4. First As Tragedy, Then As Farce - Slavoj Zizek

5. The Silmarillion - J.R.R Tolkein

now, down to business:

Interview tomorrow. I'm extremely nervous. I've never had a job interview about a position that I actually want before. Its always been either/or, never really a big deal whether I get the job or not. I've been eating noodles a lot. Waiting for the money situation to sort itself out; waiting for payday, which I think should be every week, rather than every second week. It would really help in my allocation of funds. Also, 80s music is entertaining, to say the least.

Wish me luck

-jr

YaaaaY

my interview is on March 25th, at 2pm!!!!!!!!!

with the elevator music on...

I know, I know, two posts in one day?! really?! Believe it. I've been so avoiding Virginia Woolf and Thomas King that I am now driven to blogging. Yay me.

Lately things have seemed pretty stagnant. Every time I get paid, the vast majority of the money goes to tuition, some goes to bills (cell phone, internet, visa), and the rest --what little is left- gets instantly blown on something useless. I'm not getting anywhere with Tuition --still about 624 left to pay- Visa --almost at my limit- or my car loan for that matter --1200 left- and it is depressing. April is the last month for my student loans, so for May I will have to add Rent and my car payment to the list of items my paycheck has to support. The trade off will be that I can work almost 40 hrs/week beginning the end of April.

All of this means, what, exactly? Well. I haven't finished paying my tuition, so I cannot register for the fall yet (my registration date is March 30). I owe a lot on my Visa, so that adds a lot of stress to my being, and it completely kills my ability to save money. I owe 1200 on my car loan, which isn't terrible, but if I could just have it paid off ASAP, I could use the money every month that automatically goes to that to go to something like Visa, and it would help to pay things off.

On a positive note, I vow to be debt free by August. And come September I will be ready for the new school year, beginning fresh with --hopefully- a new job with the newspaper and an edition of Whetstone under my belt. That, I am extremely excited for. Once we get a website, and actually have some web presence, I will post the URL. The first draft of the layout for the magazine is finished, however --I'm always more interested in the concrete product of literature than the web aspect- and it is absolutely GORGEOUS!

As for the new job. I've applied for the Copy Editor position with the University Newspaper. It is a paid position, about $400/month *which is nice*, and allows me to take another step into the publishing/editorial field. I already have one extremely valuable experience, and here I go for two. :-)

Anyway, I have to read some Virginia Woolf and Thomas King tonight, make some notes for class, then read Dickens, take excellent notes for an essay, then actually write said essay. All the while teaching myself Logic, and the theory of Deconstructive Critical Theory/Nothingness Philosophy, and Metaphysics for ANOTHER essay. Egads, knowledge is tiresome, and there's never enough time in the day.

Be well to the world and most of all, be excellent to yourself.
\\// peace
-jr

This One's For The Kid

Ten Poems That Were Written -- A Gathering

these are must-reads

1. John Ashbery's "Flow Chart"

-- this is a book-length long poem, so any section you are able to find will suffice. However, if you should somehow come across this poem in its entirety at, say, a bookstore, please buy me a copy. I can't find it anywhere!

2. John Ashbery's "Notes From The Air"

-- This is from Ashbery's 1992 book, Hotel Lautreamont.

3. Ron Silliman's "Albany"

-- the first of 26 chapters in Silliman's epic work, The Alphabet. (read the whole thing at least once in your lifetime. A section a month usually works fairly well).

4. bpNichol's "The Martyrology"

-- another longpoem. Check out anything you can find from bpNichol. It is all amazing stuff.

5. John Ashbery's "Myrtle"

-- This poem is from his book, And The Stars Were Shining.

6. John Ashbery's "Some Money"

-- from Ashbery's book, April Galleons (1987).

7. Charles Olson's "A Plan for a Curriculum of the Soul"

-- sheer immense beauty.

8. Bob Perelman's "China"

-- Language poetry at its finest.

9. Ron Silliman's "Ketjak"

-- particularly the section beginning with "Revolving door."

10. Charles Bukowski's "dark night poem"

-- it is short, so I will type it here.

they say that

nothing is wasted:

either that

or

it all is.

And those, my friend, are ten poems that will change your life.

Yours,

jr.

already they begin the slow death-walk of the mall zombie. their slow, meandering, shuffling steps pace the halls, and their soulless gazes peer into my plexiglass and steel cage. i am kept safe only by the time, yet my safety is slowly evaporating as the clock reaches its apex and unites both hour and minute hands.

they come, though they must wait, for these are the creatures who turn the world and drive the nation; these are the semi-sentient beings whom are the most effective form of advertisement. they reach far and beyond the limits of billboard and television, radio and magazine. their very presence corrupts the mentality of those around them.

there's no hiding from the mightiest of guns

Nothing is sacred anymore. Canada Post has let me down, and UPS is being a stuck up bitch. I've been in my apartment TWICE when they have come to deliver my package, and both times they neglected to buzz the apartment. whether or not my room mate hears the buzzer, and lets them in is another story. This is getting ridiculous. The whole buzzer thing is pissing me off.

Why can't they just set up buzzers IN THE APARTMENT THEMSELVES like normal buildings?!

Why do they have to hook them up to Cellphones, and all the problems they induce?!

-jr.

nightshade

aauughhh.................unhhh...............huh?..............wha? WHAT?!

ingstion

I've taken to using the security words as post-titles. just because I can. I had something huge today, but I lost it. something about language, and ethnicity, and revolution.

and its gone.

gah, why does this always happen to me.