always remember [never] to trust me.

greetings, fellow cosmic misfits;

for someone who posts with the sort of irregular schedule i do, even the last few months have been unusually barren; devoid of substance, even. my routine has been monotonous, and i don't really get very far into a thought before it is lost forever. i've been half asleep for a while now. i've modeled my exit strategy after that of the american army's out of iraq/afghanistan. two years now i've planned on leaving, and two years now its been put off. and the aftermath has been about the same; the people i've left behind, the things ive done, the time i've lost. is this really worth it?

every morning, 6:30 am comes earlier and earlier, and i somehow drag myself out of bed, stand under a stream of molten water, and boil myself awake until i start to function. after a few minutes of that, i air dry, willing myself to think, process, recognize my surroundings. i'm somehow standing in the kitchen, running the variety of breakfast through my head. nothing seems easy, fast, or tasty, so i skip it again, letting my stomach rumble all through the morning class. somewhere in the back of my head, a thought clicks about gaining weight and working out, but i ignore it. i'm still tired and lazy, no time for breakfast.

i somehow manage to get dressed in the endless darkness that is our bedroom, all the while being relatively quiet -- some people don't get up until 8:30 - and i manage to gather my things, and head out the door at 7:30 or later. depending on the time, the flow of traffic varies greatly, from absolutely barren roadscape, to deadlocked rush hour. its perilous, i tell you, perilous.

so if you were wondering. i'm still here.

barely.

i dont really want to start the show.

and so it begins, a career path no one saw for me, and I didn't see for myself until recently. strange how that happens.

yet here I am.

four dead in ohio.

all running around and drunk and screaming and parking in my fucking spot when there's perfectly good visitor parking RIGHT BESIDE THE FUCKING BUiLDING! there's no need for three different vehicles ALL TO BE IN MY SPOT IN ONE DAY! WHEN IM TRYING TO PARK THERE!

it makes me sad for the future of the planet.

i don't want to do facebook anymore.

just...

the loss of connection.

the increased number of connections, but hte decreased... meaning of each connection with people, depresses me.

they think its grand.

they see what people are up to, but when do they ever talk to eachother?

"i saw your status. that sucks"

"i know, i was bummed."

and..

we can talk all we want, but it seems like the norm these days.

its a bleak bleak horizon.

and to be honest, and probably a little nihlistic, i don't really think anything we do matters anymore.

there's no higher power..

there's no life calling..

there's no soul mate, there's no soul..

its pure hedonism, and the government is frantically trying to keep everything from exploding in a ball of frantic fucking fury.

satiating us with media, television, newspaper, magazines, computers, cellphones.. its all designed to distract us from the fact that its all fucking meaningless.

you live then you die.

its a switch.

on.

off.

why does there have to be something higher than primitive animal nature?

birds reproduce?

insects reproduce/

amoeba reproduce.

is there an amoebic god

?

some higher calling for amoeba's? willing them to survive and reproduce/

or is it just their nature.

their programming

the major flaw with EVERYTHING is the assumption that we're better than animals

cause we're not.

i hate to fucking quote the matrix about anything, but: "humans are a cancer"

we have complex language.

with complex language comes divisions.

with complex language comes the ultimate binary: self and other.

me and you.

the in crowd and the outcast.

immediately, with the introduction to language, a child has learned to differentiate himself from the rest of the race.

assert his individuality.

and supremacy.

great. now we're not working together for the betterment of humans, the planet, or the ecosystem.

we're working for ourselves.

makes us essentially cannibals.

"we have roads and cars and factories, and clothes, and society, and culture, and class, and paintings, and music, and.. and.. and.."

and we have pollution, accidents, waste, petroleum killing millions of species we've never even discovered in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, we have factories spewing waste into the air, killing people and giving them athsma. we have designer labels, making some people think they're not good enough, and some thinking they run the show.

and we have an absolutely arbitrary code of behaviours, stipulating EXACTLY what we have to do to be successful.

not hunting or gathering, basic survival, but completely useless stuff, like... drive a hummer, wear white sunglasses, and a shirt that looks like a tattoo.

or a suit.

and we'll be successful.

the rich get richer, and the poor are sacrificed for the "greater good"

who do you depend on for food?

Safeway, Wal-Mart, and Superstore

and they depend on random farmers in CALIFORNIA!

MEXICO

BOLIVIA

what interest do these people have in providing you with healthy, non-polluted food.

NONE

they get paid either way.

in fact, their food lasts longer if they have pollution in it.

that's a serious incentive to use their food, cause we can sell it easier before it goes bad.

but its got pollution in it.

no worries, though.

chances are, our generation will have a 90% cancer rate by the time we reach 65

retirement savings will be useless.

sure they may have a cure by then..

they may be able to prolong our lives.

we'll be in wheelchairs, and hooked to an IV full of poision which oddly enough cures us...

but we'll be able to use our RRSP's, and flat screen televisions.

societal norms. culture. ethics.

all of it is crap.

its dark and nihilistic.

sure you can bring your [magazine]

I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on.

I can't figure our future out if i don't know where you're going.

I feel lost and confused. again.

On an even worse note, I've gone through my... 6th phone since I moved in 2008.

LG Rumour (water damage)

Samsung M320 (didn't like)

Samsung Ace (absolute crap, and Bell totally messed with my plan making my bills $300 + /month, so I switched to Telus)

Blackberry Curve 8330

LG Cookie Plus (absolute junk, and was told it wouldn't work in SK, and there was no return policy)

HTC Desire (so far this phone kicks some serious ass. Its seriously seeming to be better than the iPhone (aside from the fact that it won't directly sync with my iCal or contacts, but bluetooth and Google calendar fix that problem).

i'll be right there holding you down.

I am very afraid, to be perfectly honest.

Excited, but afraid.

I'm excited, because in 34 days I start my course in Automotive Systems.

I'm afraid, because at the end of this course, I'll have to enter into the workforce, and begin a CAREER. Not just a job anymore. I'll have training, and I'll be skilled, and I'll be entering into an apprenticeship to become a fully fledged Mechanic. Not a glamourous job, but one I can see myself in. A little more practical, a little less abstract and totally random.

I've also been trying to write more, but to no avail. I never seem to have time (currently working on a 24 day in a row stretch for work) anymore. It will be nice once I start working at a Real job. 5 days a week, probably two days off in a row, holidays, no boxing day bullshit, easter weekend, long weekends all the time, pretty cushy stuff. You know, aside from the grease and the heavy lifting and the fixing mechanical things.. other than that, cushy.

I need to get in shape. I've been telling myself this for the last... two years now? And I still haven't figured out exactly what I need to do. never enough willpower to start a new diet, or workout regime. and this and that.

travel, life, laugh, love, all that stuff.

JR