All in all, what do we have but trust? Not a whole lot, that's for sure. I know this, and I know that two people cannot exist in a coherent, symbiotic, HEALTHY, relationship without it --trust-.
And so, what choice do I have? Ask a question, get an answer, and treat that answer as the entire truth, even though it may not be. Because I've had too many relationships that ended like this. They ended long after they should because I didn't have the balls to ask the question, and the integrity to accept it when I already knew the answer. Not this time. She's too important to let slip through my fingers.
All I really wanted was to make you feel --in that instant- as absolutely terrible as I did. That was petty, and wrong, and it really didn't accomplish anything. Is this the same situation as last year? Not exactly, but I can see the similarities. We don't -didn't- have a history, and nothing inappropriate was said. I do think now that the time-consuming conversations, the phone calls, and the letters were more indicative of a time-management/priorities problem. I've never had many friends, and I tend to "over-use" conversation with the few I do have, and that creates a problem for my significant other. And I realize that now.
I didn't before. I really didn't see that I had done anything wrong. And that was fucking stupid.
Things got this way --only worse- with Bri before we finally ended in a nuclear explosion of epic proportions. I know I don't tell you much about how things were, but I don't want to bore you, and I don't want the way I behaved to colour your opinion of me negatively. Because I hold myself in high regard. I always have, but I constantly feel the need for validation. Its a false bravado of self-confidence built on a foundation of insecurity and confusion.
I had time management problems, I spent time hanging out with female friends, and I didn't want to hang out with any of her friends. So we spent time apart. She thought my friendship with Amanda was threatening, and once screamed over the phone "it will be two weeks before you fuck her!", needless to say, I never had/have had feelings for her like that. But i did constantly talk with her about everything that was going on. And Bri couldn't handle it. And I couldn't grow a pair and just leave things be. So we played the yo-yo for three months. Off again on again, and I accept my part of the blame. We never should have gotten back together in February. When she broke up with me at New Years, that should have been the end of it. but she wanted to get back together, and I was foolish enough to believe that she knew what she wanted.
I still have that deficiency. I believe that everyone else has their lives figured out, and everything they do is because they mean it. Not because they have no fucking idea what's going on, and are just trying to cling to happiness. I accept now that I have to do what I think is best for me, and you have to do what you think is best for you, and if that means we're doing the same thing, then so much the better.
So I told you this morning that I would ask the question when I got home from work today, and I would believe you 110% whatever your answer. I mean that. Because what are we without trust? We're a relationship I had three years ago. And I don't want to emotionally whirlpool, constantly spinning around the same central drainpipe, doomed to forever see the same sights, and always knowing its going to end up dark, damp, and smelling of refuse and fallen hair.
and so, until then. All I can do is speculate.
with love,
JR
11/14/11 6:27 am
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