Odds and Ends

--Cleaning up my notebooks--

Entry 1: Date Unknown

"I wait in 4/4 time. Windows Seven is pissing me off. Can any true meaning be derived from this existence? Is Nihilism the true way to go? Nothing has any true meaning, so what we do with our lives doesn't really matter, as long as we're happy. Hedonism is supported by nihilistic philosophies? Or can that be legitimately proven? I feel as though I'm regressing. I'm slowly walking backwards in a crowd of people moving forward. The world is a shallow misrepresentation of sadistic tendencies and a competitive edge. My preoccupation with time and laterality provides me with an envious perspective of the coming apocalypse. I miss manual labour and physical activity.

[D:\sources\SPWIZENG.DLL is either not designed to run on windows or it contains an error]

Why am I worried about OS's if I don't care about material possessions? Why am I a walking contradiction? Why do I always seem to only have questions and no answers? What do I know for sure?

I am unstable. I am lazy. I am unable to function within society. There is some major flaw in my chemical makeup. How can the world want individuality and simultaneously belonging to a greater whole? What is wrong with the world? Society as a whole is unhealthy. The world is diseased. Is there good out there? Can there be a shred of decency while we step over each other and cut everyone else's throat in order to further our own meaningless existence?

My top choices are writing political propaganda for a dictator in a remote developing nation.

Strategic missile strikes could spontaneously breed dissent among even the most foolhardy and dedicated to the cause. If pre-syphlitic discoveries of scientologic evidence correspond to a re-making of a selected universality of the major philosophies of western thought, molecularly, humanity is a protein shy of being omniscient and all-powerful. We are also one alloy short of being autonomous robots. Which would make what has to happen next so much easier. In order to disarm this potentially disastrous situation, we must kill the planet with expensive radiation and EMP technologies. Electro-Magnetic Pulses are just one of the refresher courses available at community college. A high tension bridge builder is the guest lecturer today.

* * *

Upon revisitation of our hero, we find her sobbing endlessly on the side of the highway. She didn't go my way, apparently. That is, undeniably, what you get for disagreeing with the narrator. She wandered aimlessly along 6th, mindlessly meandering, pondering this fact. She wasn't the type to leave without a destination."

Entry 2: January 15/2010

"Action plan for the construction of my senselessness as viewed in lieu of Saturday's more dogmatic and systematic percussionist regimes. Our time has gone asunder*, and yet we are forced to reckon a bland and utterly nameless landscape, devoid of the allusion to a higher being. Sometimes I get wet when it rains."

anomalous discrepancies

-- Charles Dickens AND Thomas King, all at once.
-- My car is slowly falling apart.
-- Life is speeding forward like a bullet train, and I need to somehow slow it down, get off, and check out my surroundings.
-- I have the biggest fear of failure at the moment.
-- I'm afraid of being kicked out of school.
-- I'm unhealthy, and slightly psychotic.

Charlamagne in Sweatpants

She got off on the plural/
singular way in which
it was explained
away.

-- I find these crumpled pieces of paper strewn around my room from time to time. I also find myself reading them and wondering where the hell my mind was when they were written. Some I do not remember, some I can vaguely recall, and even fewer I distinctly and vividly know what the hell was going on.
-- I have continued my monthly pattern of resolving to change my life. January was the beginning of a new year, February was "an excellent point to start", March will inevitably be "a super month to begin anew" and so on ad nauseum (nauseous, nausea, museum, Nautilus).

what have I learned?

I got high as a kite
on year old acid
and aftermath;

Your body is
tumultuous and historic
deeply symbolic
and steeped in rhetoric

Your little hoodrat friend makes me sick.

I am frequently afraid. I get nervous when I think of the near future; when I try to see 10-20 years down the road. I'll be in my 30's or 40's, which could possibly be near the end of my life if things go the way they are. If I completely disregard my health, and continue my eating habits, I could expire after 30 years on this planet. Also, with global warming, and climate change, we could all be forced to change our lives so dramatically that all basic semblance of current life (life in 2010) is extinguished.

check out Gaia.

It scares me too. Because if that's true... then... we're a cancer. We aren't actually a good thing for the planet. Hell, even if its not true, we're still not a good thing. We're slowly moving past the carrying capacity of the planet.

I'm afraid. Seriously Afraid that none of this will matter; that none of what i'm doing with my life will matter when I'm done. It makes me want to recluse myself from society and try my best to eke out a happy existence.